Date:	2004-09-26 23:36
Subject:	Kelsario is back in action....
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Ja-hoo! Lock your mothers away cuz Kelsario has returned and she is fiestier* than ever.
So I am now a current resident of Hollywood and attending the American Musical and Dramatic Academy (AMDA). It is a lot of worker but a LOT of fun...and thus I have to return to homeworkin before I continue to dilly dally in the afairs of online journaling, but FEAR NOT! I shall return to tell my tales of starlined walkways & Eccentric cityfolk(the crazy Homeless)...
I bid thee adieu..
remember to laugh because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.
ADIEU!

*probably not a word

Date:	2004-01-24 00:38
Subject:	for the tragedy in all of us...
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

We are all tragic heroes...victim to our own flaws and the downfall is the result. We are all tragic heroes... Most just haven't figured out what we're fighting for, what it is we're trying to save....and almost none know that we'll be alright, that the downfall is not so steep, and that saving ourselves is ALL the battle...


"Wherever you go, it's yourself you'll face there"



*Faith will bear itself again

so i haven't written in a million years plus a goat...in fact, I haven't even really read anybody's journal.
currently, I am feeling stressed for it is a season of milestones in my life and am becoming all too familiar with the consequences of procrastination. But Alas! a week from today I'll shall be through the worst of it and ready to Boogie on down.... Life is a beautiful....I just have to remember that...I'll elaboraate on details of my life some time later-

*Paz Afuera*


Remember to breathe~*~Remember to breathe~*~Remember to breathe~*Remember to breathe

Date:	2003-12-05 09:43
Subject:	"be a gentleman"
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

I was doin alright, holdin my head up high (being a gentleman), getting over all of my little peeves about the world because I know in the scheme of things they are unimportant, but then 2nd period came and hope was shattered. so I am releasing it all right now:
In gov't today, our econ bellwork was about disneyland...and I am not there so that's always sad. Then she gave us a lecture on giving and being tactful about it and it reminded me of all those people alone and it was so disheartening. I want so badly just to hold all the scared people and let them know that there is hope and comfort and give them everything I could. I would give up my room and my clothes ( save for one outfit, b/c it is too cold out to be nakey). Oh lord please grant people peace in this holy season, let them feel love. That's all I could think of to stop from crying. TO top off this most excellent hour of my day, We began talking about the strike. Well not we but they, because all I could do was listen and fight back the tears as they spoke ill of those who are on strike and even my teacher whom I respect dearly made little meanspirited jokes about their situation. My poor father. They have been out in the heat and now the cold for hours just holding signs losing their hope that it will work out as each person who steps into that store is aiding in their defeat. Christmas is coming and these poeple have families. Classmates were remarking on the rudeness of these people. They don't understand that the striker's are just frustrated, you would be too. Christmas is soming and they couldn'y go back to their jobs if they wanted to. Lock out or labor union fines have left them take a measely paycheck for holding up some signs and taking shit for it while they do it. I am not in support of those who have let their anger get to them and are rude and violent. But what I heard today was unnecessary. My father is fighting depression and the pressure of supporting his family for christmas. My father has one of the best hearts anyone could have. I love my daddy soo much and I don't want him to hurt anymore.... i cried in class- good thing I had my scarf, I didn't want anyone to seee me and my perfect little scarf hid me from the world for just enough time to pull myself together.
On a good note, I did well at auditons. I don't think I did well enough to get a part but I did the best that my nerves would permit me to do. With my parents so worried I might not do they play at all and get aa job. It is a heartbreaking thought to me and my momo would probably object but I can't stand to see them like this.
Last night was choir. The show was embarrassing. mr. b is embarrassing. I have tried since my freshmen year to organize the show to make them mor entertaing and all I have ever received from it was repremanding so I Gave up on choir...Adn I don't ofetn give up. I just wanted to leave the risers and never come back and that was After the first line in our first song...last night was agony.
I just feel bad that people pay money to see that. grrrrrrr::angry twitch::rrrrrr...I just don't get it. I need to learn to not be so stubborn. I am so grateful for all the techs. They are so sweet and tolerant of me. There are my safe haven. I don't dserve them. So, if you read this, thank you, a thousand times, thank you. You guys mean more to me than you know.
but then I went home and my dogs were so happy and greated me with all the love in the world. it is amzing how much you can love something...I love them so much I think at anyminute I could burst at the seams because I adore them so much...
When I went to bed I had an eerie sense of lonliness come about me... I am tired of sleeping alone (oooh the irony).

But I am done now ranting and am sorry if you read this because I know it cannot be of any good to anyone who will- I just need to take it in stride and do all that I can even if my greatest sarrow is that what I can do to help has made no difference. So I'll have to do more, figure out a way to give more... It will all work out...

Date:	2003-11-30 23:26
Subject:	Revived
Security:	Public
Mood:	surprised

Today was...umm..refreshing. I am determined to change what it is I don't like about myself and spent a great deal of time figuring out how- I'd write about it all but I am much too llazy to logically explain tonight...just know, today was a good day.
Finally! I saw ELF! I loved it, how could you not? Will ferrell to me is like mickey to car. "Hi arctic Puffin!" It is so much of the happy. Jammin in the car with coche is always fun and it is very comforting to know we don't even have to speak to one another to enjoy ourselves. We just sit their and sing our little hearts out and bust a move or two....Gracias chica for every funfilled adventure. Brent and my brother made me laugh too, I hope brent feels better...
anywho...
Afterward, a friend who I had lost touch wiht imed me outta the blue. He has been one of my closest friends. He made me laugh and reminded me of how simple everything really is. We just le our egos and such get in the way. The surprise factor came in when he told me that I was the first girl he had ever truly loved. Granted, it may have been years ago but it meant so much to me that he said that to me. There is something sacred aout being someon's first love and I am so honored that I was his...Gosh i have missed him and I think I'll be talking with him on a regular basis...I hope so- I haven't been a very good friend to him or to anyone...Item 1: do not let self absorption keep me from being a good friend...
Merry christmas to all and to all a good night

Tonight was big mac's party. I think she had fun which is all that really matters. I had the realization today that Ihave nothing reallly to offer to anyone and that made me sad considering I am given so much by others and have nothing to return. My support or concern does not help anyone and I wish made a difference to someone. I try so hard to help but I never am. At brent's, I felt like I was a bother and I hate that. On the outside, I am always on the outside. there's no room for me... I'll deal
I have an infiority complex around most people. In fact, I think I am only really comfy with myself around... actually I have an infiority complex around everyone to a certain degree. I am not comfy with myself. I just want to be comfy.

You're Most Like The Season ... NO wait! Hold it!
You're not like a season at all! You're a
psycho... You need a new season created just
for you.
You either answered wildly to be different, or you
truly are a 'special case'. Independant -
maybe, Intelligent - somewhat. Weird and wacky
- most certainly.
A nut case, a fruit cake, the joker, the insane
lunatic :) However be careful or you may get
locked up.

Well Done... You're not at home in any of the
seasons, you creat your own.


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Date:	2003-11-24 10:14
Subject:	Leaving it all behind...
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

Saturday night
-too sad to cry
He came and with him he brought all of those feelings I had discarded. Of those feelings, the worst was the shame. I wanted to tell him;
"SO much of me thinks you're an asshole, but you're not. you're just fumbling through these lessons as we all are. I'd rather you just not come around instead of you pretending to care. Don't tell me I'm special and then tell me how special this girl and that are. Don't protect me because the last time I needed someone to protect me was when You took advantage of me. I was stupid, it toook me 3 months to realize that's what had happened. I am not the girl who puts herself in a place where someone could force themselves on her, but I was stupid and just wanted the floor to stop spinning and you were there and you held my head to your chest and said that everything was goin to be fine! Nothing was fine about that night....My pride led me to believe otherwise. I was so stupid and so much of a coward. You and I both betrayed me, left me to a be part of something that could cause someone heartache if she had known, and I am sickened and ashamed. But I love you still...I am stupid." Though I've never said thsi to him, I know somewhere within him he feels it. We are connected whether the either of us likes it, we are and so that night that we threw away our trust he was hurt by it too. SO over and over that night this is what I was saying until I could accept that we were where were. We went to denny's and I was kind of beside it all, watching them laugh and trying to disregard the pain. as soon as I got home, the song that had always reminded me of him popped onto the computer- "mY Immortal" by evanescence. It spun me into a state of darkness until I listened to a talk that morning entitled" How to be thankful for the challenges we face" @ church. It reminded me of my beliefs and my faith prevailed over my mood. I am working through it and learning what it is I am supposed to from it. It hurts, but I am leaving it behind me.

Sunday Night
- Nothing right
I am a screw up. I don't believe I have ever done anything right. All I wanted was to do something nice for the cast and crew and everyone because I love them so much. I only had just enough cake mix for everyone and fucked up a batch by accidently setting the oven to 500....So now only my dancers are getting cupcakes and some of them are messed up. I tried to make them nice and made a mess, pissed off my mom and I had chocolate in my hair. Saturday I forgot to thank joshy and kimmi and they are the ones that deserved it mor than I did and I got flowers. My application is over a week late now and I don't think they';ll accept it...it's just so close to my heart that i can't write the last essay, god, I am so dumb. I suck.. But I am learning to leave it all behind, If I have my faith then i have everything I need to be happy.

Date:	2003-11-22 08:53
Subject:	Prisoner of War
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

I am in constant silent conflict between my heart and mind. I fear my heart does not seek anything but what it had at one time known. What's more , any fragment of hope that my heart desperately held onto for the feeling to be rekindled and reflected has long since disappeared. It's as if it's given up feeling anything for anybody ever. I try but my faith in its revival is wearing thin. I am not completely void; I have felt very interested in certain individuals some even fascinated with but there is a large part of me devoted to that lost cause and, well like I said, faith is wearing thin. A part of me is dying . . .


Why has my heart been so loyal to him? The rest of me cries mutinously. Throw me overboard or let me jump ship. I don't want to sink to the bottom with him. A refugee, my heart will remain, stubbornly devouted to him. It can't claim another home. It won't know another love. . . My heart still beats for him. . . I 'm a prisoner of war: forgotten in my cell, forgetting how to feel . . . My heart just laid down and died for him. . . I'm not sure it will beat again.

It is pathetic I feel that way. I know he doesn't love me romantically, at least not anymore. I know he isn't good for me nor I for him. Yet like some sick pup, I can't let him go. He's always in my head...why has he not called me in months and why won't he leave me?

Date:	2003-11-18 23:06
Subject:	A name fit for...well, Me!
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

So my Lj looks like a camel's ass because I donnu how to work it. oh poo, I'll learn...
*anywho*
My name is spanish for "Faith Everlasting". Pretty, right? Yea, well, it was supposed to be. Instead, it just looks like feet erna, not so pretty. Divinely, it is a perfect reflection of who I am...
Elaboration:
I am a dreamer, a hopeful romantic who is discrepantly the anithesis of sexy; dorky, clumsy, ugly...you know, all the components of a frumpmeister. I don't often let this aspect of myself get to me because there are more important things in this world to be concerned about like the feelings of others. But just once, I would like to shed this habit and become the vision of the person I would like to be. I am not speaking of physical appearance for that is a hopeless road I wish not to travel tonight, but I would like to embody that certain quality of grace that has repetitively proven unattainable to me. In the one place I feel remotely close to this which is dancing on the stage, today, I caused a rather painful collision between myself andf a stage prop. It was the kind of moment that would have had people rolling around, laughing in their seats had the lights been up. The tree shanked me! I don't strive to be perfect. Perfect is rather dull to me. I just want to be further away from myself and closer to a person that someone could fall in love with and stay there before I say something stupid or step on their feet.
But what of this, the sky is lovely and i am breathing it all in. God grant peace to those who are having trouble finding a silver lining. Let your angels be strengthened in their efforts to comfort the world...amen.